New professions

I’d like to recommend several brand new professions, based on living long enough to feel the lack thereof.

1. The Unplanned coordinator.
This is the chirpy optimist to call when you are between things there is no plan for. An in-betweener expert. Handy when you are just about to lose a job, just about to make an idiot of yourself in public…or maybe right after you did, when you are strarting to be treated like a patient because you are sick and everyone forgets who you were when you weren’t.

2. The Collegialist.
This is the language expert who deletes from your phrase book sentences you will never, ever need and should not, really, even think about.
Ireland? Delete “Where can I get a beer?”
Russia? Delete “Do you know where I can get a fake passport?”
Middle East and surrounding environs? Delete “Your daughter is gorgeous. I’d like to take her out sometime.”

3. The Rememberer.
I didn’t think of this one. Author Anne Tyler did in her funny book titled “Noah’s Compass.” This person attaches him/her self to another as a kind of human rolodex of information the client has long since forgotten but still needs to know, such as where they are supposed to be today, the name of the person they are speaking with, which shoes require socks and which look downright idiotic with them.

4. The Sin Catcher.
There is some historical precedent for this one, guardian angels come to mind. but here, I suggest a more hands on approach. This professional doesn’t simply remind you to be good. He/she intervenes to see to it. They make it impossible for you to lie, cheat, steal, covet, manipulate, act irresponsibly, hurt other people and be mean. I don’t know how this would work, exactly; and. come to think of it, I doubt it would pay very well, what with there being so much return on investment to sin.

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About Mrs. Fitz

Hello! I'm Michele Fitzpatrick, a Chicago writer. Like our town, a work in progress. As a journalist, teacher and writing coach I think all of us live our stories and sharing them creates moments that remind us we're connected. And that is enough.
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